If I Had You
by Frazi
Summary: Even a renegade must stumble. They must fall. They must wonder. Shepard survives the reapers and finds that a renegade can also feel so much more.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is my first Mass Effect Fanfiction. I always wondered what would happen once they found Shepard and I always wondered if Kaiden was the right choice even though I made it the first time. But I know once I had Garrus, I couldn't pick anyone else for my Shepard. Enjoy!

 **Chapter 1**

Things end.

Everything was supposed to be worth it. In the end.

But the world now tastes like ashes. The planets are stranded alone. The galaxy at a halt. The peoples of the universe paused. Breath held, they all wait – what now?

XXXX

I wait for the doctor to start speaking. My lip was constantly being chipped away until I knew my teeth would draw blood. He had to speak before that. I had tasted too much of my blood already.

"It's permanent; I'm sorry."

The gust of air bursting from lungs wasn't my own. I finally tasted the metal tang of my flesh giving way under my teeth and it was over. The anticipation, the fear, the regret. It was all gone. Taking a deep breath, I turned to glance at the man who was breaking bones that had barely had time to repair. "You can let go now."

Dark chocolate colored eyes widened before my aching hand was released and he let out another shuddering breath. "Sorry."

Seems like that is all they were saying to me these days. Rubbing the sore muscles in my hand, I looked down at the contrast. So many people take limbs for granted. I had already lost a lot to spare parts. But no one prepares you for losing a limb. No one prepared me. But like all veterans, they apologetic reverence they offer you, is not a replacement. It just means you're done.

Sarah Shepard, the Butcher of Torphan, Savior of the Citadel and Vanquisher of the Reapers is done.

The doctors leave, Kaiden leaves, but the ghost movement stays. There's little left of my right side; arm gone from the bicep down, leg gone from the hip down. A great big chunk of my ribs had to be augmented with metal. I think there's a kidney missing there too. I can't tell, I forget sometimes.

Most of all, it means the soldier is gone.

It makes me wonder if I was ever anything else. It makes me wonder if the saved world would be enough. Would half of me, be enough?

"Shepard?"

Head snapping up, I saw the blue form of my closest friends smile tremulously from the doorway to my room. They had finally made it back. In the months that bordered a year, my crew had finally made it back to me. I scoffed inwardly as Liara steped into the little hospital room. The Alliance crew had found me underneath rubble that had tried to snuff me out, but thanks to my Cerberus implants, it had failed. Almost. A tiny, fatalistic part of me, wished it hadn't.

"Kaiden is gone?"

I sighed and snuggled lower into my pillow. "I'm trying to be sad about that."

The Asari now turned Shadow Broker laughed and took the seat my boyfriend had abandoned. Abandoned – that was the worst way to say it, I realized. "He really is trying to be supportive. But they're shipping him out in a week. He hoped you'd be able to go with him. Two Spectors out to save the galaxy, hand in hand."

Quirking an eyebrow and one corner of my mouth, I teased my friend. "Been watching those soap operas on TV again T'Soni?"

The Asari blushed a pretty violet. "Guilty as charged. Being on earth, there is little in the way of live television what with the restoration effort taking everyone's time. Reruns are our only entertainment I'm afraid."

I wanted to ask. Everyone else had left. Why was she still here? They'd all hugged me and kissed me and promised to write, but worlds had to be rebuilt. Lives had to be given purpose. There was so much damage. Thessia had suffered just as much, so why was the most prominent Asari member of their race still lurking around my hospital bed in London?

We were silent for a moment, just watching the other and wondering when to spring each of our questions. She finally slumped and let out a deep sigh. "Just ask Shepard."

"Why are you still here?"

Looking a tad appalled and more hurt, Liara sat up straight and took my remaining hand gently. "I would never abandon you." She must have seen the muscle in my jaw tighten before she gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "No one has."

"I'm useless to you now."

"How dare you." Mouth dropping open, her eyes flashed with fierce reprimand as her voice pitched low with fury. "You have saved all our asses so many times over Shepard that even the Shadow Broker can't keep track! Do you really think us so ungrateful after you are done saving us all, yet again?!"

I frowned. "I didn't mean it as an insult."

"Then you had better take it back!"

Rolling my eyes at the incensed demand, I squeezed her hand. "Relax Blue. I'm just cathartic."

"Well, I wish you would perform catharsis a bit more positively," Liara grumbled, a tad assuaged. "And do not call me that idiotic name. What if I called you beige?"

"I'm honey glazed."

Her laughter lightened the room and we finally smiled at each other. She took a moment to speak but when she did, she sealed my fate with her words. "Shepard, I didn't abandon you when you were nothing but a charred bag of bones and I will never abandon you now that you finally have the chance to see all that you have accomplished. I didn't give your body to Cerberus so that you could save the world. I gave you to Cerberus so that you could live the fruits of your labor one day. With the people who love you." She reached out and touched my cheek bone with reverence. "And we all love you. We have not abandoned you."

My eye narrowed as I felt the unsaid darting excitedly in her eyes. "What have you done?"

The door swished open behind her and I watched my favorite Turian rakishly lean against my hospital door. "Are we done lamenting our tragedies? Because Miranda is spitting fiery projectiles at me for fun now."

Miranda was here too. I stared at Garrus Vakarian as he matched Liara's mirthful glint in his blue eyes. "What the hell have you done?"

...To be Continued…


	2. Chapter 2

_****Author Note: Thank you everyone for the follows. Drop me a note and tell me what you think as well. It'll help me write more! :D****_

 **Chapter 2**

The aversion to bio-beds was understandable. Knives and needles, that I wasn't wielding, still gave me night terrors. What they were suggesting, was nothing I'd considered before. What more could they take from me before I was no longer myself?

The wheelchair creaked and I felt the body shift beside me before my vision into the lab was obstructed by hard, greyish plates and blue eyes. "Stop self-flagellating already Shepard. You are doing this."

I frowned at him, more because I'd been caught in the act. Again. "What if I don't want to?" I spat belligerently.

It is a good thing my comrades are used to my caustic tongue and renegade nature. Anyone else would have been struck. Garrus is even better at taking my punches. He only smirked in that vigilante way that drove females wild right and left. I wondered why Tali hadn't followed through on her intent to bed the Turian. I also wondered why Garrus hadn't found his way back to his family.

Why the hell were they all still hanging around me? They had so much to do. Lives to live. Why couldn't they just let me go?

"Shepard," Garrus' tone implied I was being childish. Uppity Turian bastard. "Do you really never want to be whole again?"

A deep ache that I'd been denying, suddenly took my breath from me. Eyes clouding with tears, I couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped from my throat. It turned everything I was inside out; that one question. Perceptive, uppity Turian bastard!

While I tried to rein in the first wave of loss after surviving the war with the Reapers, Garrus chuckled low under his breath and held my shoulders steady. The big rough thumbs gently rubbed against the exposed skin from my tank top. "Breathe Shepard. I learned to be perceptive when I realized you would die before showing any weakness."

"What the hell does this look like to you Vakarian?"

"Panic attack?"

I growled low under my breath and he finally drew forward and wrapped me into a hug I had never been prepared for. In all the times I'd experienced doubt, I had done so in the presence of one man. Despite my constant need to protect myself, I had allowed the woman in me to trust the faith and security of Kaiden's arms. Saving him, leaving Ashley to die, listening to him call me a traitor and I had still trusted my heart when he'd come back to me. Shown my weakness.

I realized now that I had been a fool. All through my mission I had thought that Kaiden was my only solace. My only weakness. I realized now that the perceptive Turian and the pushy Asari were just two of my reasons to keep going. The panic that had welled up at the mention of the man who would eventually have no time or patience for a broken woman was ebbing. It soaked through my remaining flesh and into the hard but oddly comforting press of Garrus' body. Unable to hold the line. Unable to keep the distance and completely lost for words of gratitude, I sank into him and let him hold me.

His breath whispered against my ear and a shudder began to build in my bones that I would never be able to contain. "Let go Shepard," he murmured and like a dam breaking, it burst through me with a vengeance. The choices I had to make. The bodies I left behind, both human and synthetic. The family I had lost. The songs of the scientist, the flash and crackle of perfect memories, the machine logic of love and loyalty, the screaming unjustness of reality itself was a burden I'd carried since the moment I'd touched the beacon.

It started as a sob and then rose up into a fever pitch of wailing pain that rang through the reclaimed labs of the Cronos station. Miranda and Liara watched helplessly from the other side of the lab window and Garrus slowly rocked me while I clung to him.

XXXXX

Miranda's back was as picturesque as her front. There were a million questions to ask and yet I couldn't pull them past my ribcage, or what was left of it. Feeling my eyes on her, she finally turned, her beautifully engineered self, frowning. "Are you going to resist?"

"Will you put a chip in my head now?"

Some of the fear left her eyes and she propped her fists on her hips. "I have half a mind to; if only to keep an eye on you."

"Won't do any good," I smirked and lay my head back on the bio-bed, eyes slipping shut. I felt her move closer to me, but I kept my eyes closed. I needed to. I couldn't look at her.

She sighed. "Aren't you going to ask me anything?"

Nope.

She sighed louder when I didn't respond. "Well I'll tell you anyway. For the year you were in recuperation and a verdict could not be reached, we have been gathering resources and intel."

"We."

I could feel her smile when I couldn't help interject.

"You've already met the good doctor and our resident vigilante." I cracked on eye open when she paused and scowled at her. She was toying with me. Wench. With a muffled chuckle and a twinkle of her eyes, she continued. "You have a lot of friends Shepard, even if it's much cooler to you if you don't. At first, many of them were too far away to really help me and Liara. Garrus reached us by some small feat, after he managed to track down his family in Palaven. Faron has been managing the Shadow Broker's network remotely from here since they don't have a base of operations at the moment. With many of the mass relays still inoperative, we've had to travel the old fashioned way; which means it takes nearly forever to get supplies here."

"Garrus' family…"

"Are safe."

"Thessia?"

Miranda shook her head. "All our planets have suffered. We are in this together now thanks to you. You gave us a chance Shepard. We owe our future to you." There was a question on my lips and Miranda touched my arm. "Who are you waiting to hear from?"

It was him. Always him. "Kaiden left for the Alliance fleet."

The wince was near imperceptible. "He is a Spector," Miranda soothed then grunted softly. "Bloody coward."

I frowned at her, not quite ready to accept the fact that he was really gone. "That's harsh."

"To think he couldn't have waited a little longer!"

"You told him?"

Gritting her teeth, Miranda seemed to gain control of her anger and met my eyes with absolute candor. "He knew. Are you ready to hear what we're about to do?"

"Gimme legs?" It was good to see my usual sarcasm hadn't been in the right side of my body.

"Well, yes." Miranda smiled. "That's a given really. But augmenting your skeletal system is the easy part. Offering compatible sensory feedback to your cyber-grafts is something else entirely."

"English please," I teased, with a roll of my eyes. "You've already built me out of a bag from what Liara told me."

"Not true. Your body had been nearly carbonized through the atmosphere before we recovered you, but your basic body structure was still intact. We healed, bound and augmented a lot of what was already there. Reconstructing an entire limb and internal organs are a challenge."

"Salivating, are you?"

"Do shut up." The Cerberus scientist laughed and went back to her readings. "I think it's best you just let me do my job."

"Am I going to be able to pay you back?"

Miranda Lawson looked over her shoulder, her reverence for my heroic deeds as clear as her words. "You already have Shepard. Now just relax and count to 10."

"Wait," I felt the world swim around me. "He knew and he…left…anyway. Wait Miranda, why did he still…why…oooh ponies."

 _To be continued_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I heard voices as I came too.

Wake…wake up! Shepard you…move…under attack…

Everything swam around me as I felt the familiar, slow tingling of awareness as my limbs came online.

Not…healed…move.

And I then I was awake.

Feet swinging down, I moaned with pain as the silicon stitches pulled at my insides and I was on my feet.

"Shepard!" Big taloned hands wrapped around my arms as I swam in and out of the anesthesia.

"Weapon's locker."

"What?"

"Oh god, she thinks she back at the Cerberus facility. Shepard relax. You're safe!"

I heard Miranda's voice and I pulled harder against the careful hands as they maneuvered me back towards the bed. The light was too bright, my brain was screaming as I stumbled on legs I couldn't feel. Crying out at the excruciating pain that suffused through every pore in my body, I fell back against something hard as multiple hands held me down and I saw the flare of surgical lighting. Panic and fear playing a crescendo in my very being, I struggled with what little control I could muster.

"Shepard, snap out of it!"

"By the goddess! Is she in pain?"

"No, she can't be. I've barely connected the sensory receptors."

"That sure as hell sounds like pain Lawson!"

"Garrus, please! This is more psychological than physical, just hold her."

As I screamed in the hard restrains, two rough hands firmly grasped my face and I saw him flicker into view as my eyes began to adjust. "Breathe Shepard. You're safe. You're home. This isn't the Lazarus Facility."

Shuddering and nerves still singing with pain, I gasped as I looked up into his familiar face, his mandibles quivering with tension as he held my gaze. "Garrus?"

"It's me Shepard. I'm right here."

Feeling the coiling pain and fear dissipate, I stared up into his eyes, lifting one hand to slide over his injured mandible. "You were not there."

He smiled the only way my Turian friend could. "Good girl. Which means neither are you. Take it easy Shepard. You're safe."

"I'm home?" I whispered as exhaustion finally washed over me.

"Promise." Garrus whispered against my forehead as I let my eyes slide shut, one hand still wrapped around his own.

I didn't doubt him for a second.

XXXX

"She looks dead."

"Thankfully, your opinion doesn't count!"

"If I wasn't grateful, bitch…"

I had awoken to the sound of Jack's lovely potty-mouth ribbing out Miranda. Thankfully, my groan of discomfort and awakening managed to distract them enough to rush to me. I remembered snatches of waking up before. My hand tightened into a fist and I wondered where he was. Coming in and out of lucidity I had never once lost the touch of his talons carefully gripping mine.

It was Miranda who told me they'd forced him to bed after watching over me for a thirty-seven hour stretch. I suddenly felt guilt and gratitude wash all over me as they sat me up and carefully helped me eat.

My questions were answered when I tried to lift the coffee mug with my right arm and lost control halfway up. Having new limbs was not enough. They had to be assimilated with therapy and training to reconnect along my natural pathways. To teach my brain to take control of the electrical impulses that came from my cybernetics and convert them to my natural biological feedback. At least that's what Miranda explained. What I heard was the reason Kaiden had looked so crushed.

It would be years before I was even fit for an Alliance desk-job what to talk of being a Spector.

We spoke as long distance lovers do. Afraid, cautious, grieving and I tried to be angry with him. The truth was, it was getting harder every day. Most days I didn't remember who Kaiden was. I only remember screaming and yelling curses at Miranda and Garrus and Liara.

I don't make a very good patient.

By the time was good enough to be moved, and the month it took us to get to a decent mass relay, I could stand without breaking into a spontaneous leap or fall on my ass unceremoniously. Jack came often. Joker called periodically, joking at how we were both fragile now, but his voice was still pained. I got correspondence from both Kasumi who was deep under cover with some STG thing and Vega who was deployed all over the place. Yeah, N7 had lucked out. Tali called almost every day to tell me how much she wanted to be there with me. Her world had their hands full trying to bring the geth back if possible. They also had EDI incase a breakthrough was made. Eventually, it hurt less being me. Almost.

"Enough!" I snarled and fell back into a nearby chair, panting, frustrated and pissed as hell.

Garrus sighed and Liara threw up her hands where she stood behind him. "I need a drink," she muttered before walking out and leaving me with the Turian.

A bottle of water was thrust under my nose and I wrenched it away from him with my good hand. Gulping down the cool liquid, I slumped against the back of the chair and ground my teeth as I contemplated the various ways of just cutting off the offending limbs. They NEVER did what I wanted and my kidney was either overworking itself into oblivion or I was losing bladder control. Death would have been preferable.

"Are you done brooding?" Looking up at the resolution on my friend's face, I threw the empty bottle at him petulantly. He caught it effortlessly before shaking his head. "Talk about defeating yourself."

"Shut up Vakarian! Like you could do better!"

"At the moment," he raised an eyebrow plate and snorted. "I could do Miranda's plie exercise around you and you wouldn't be able to lay finger on me. Hell, I could try pirouettes!"

"Sure, kick me when I'm down."

Something sparked in his eye and before I could blink, he had taken me by my forearms and lifted me right out of the chair. With a muffled shriek that was too girly for my taste, I stared as he drew me up to his face level, my legs limbs hanging uselessly in his grasp as he growled low and predatory in my face. I guess even Garrus has his limits. I couldn't even hate him for it. He took the brunt of my recovery drama.

For more than a few missed heartbeats we just glowered at each other. Eventually, I conceded defeat and frowned. "Or pick me when I'm down. Whatever. Give me a few hundred years, and then we'll see how brave you are."

Something softened in his eyes but he didn't bother putting me back on my feet. "Would it kill you just let it happen at its own pace?"

"Are you serious?" I snorted and squirmed slightly in his grasp. He really was holding me like I weighed nothing which only incensed me more. Two years ago, he would be on the floor and my knee would be at his gullet! "If I go any slower Kaiden will be free to date!"

With a sigh I was slowly set back down on my feet. Gritting my teeth, I ordered my muscles to hold. There was a mild twitch and then my knee buckled. "Son of a…"

But this time I didn't slump into the chair, a strong powerful arm wrapped around my waist and suddenly I was nestled into all the lovely crevices in Garrus' carapace. It didn't escape me how easy it was becoming to let myself lean on him. To let him support me. To let him see me weak. And I gota tell ya, it itches like bitches. Jack would agree. "Hmph."

"Still angry?"

Leaning into him, I couldn't help let the glare and Shepard mask melt away. "I really don't want to bitch about it, but it's getting harder to hold on." I knew he could understand the double edged sword in my words. I felt it in the hitch of his arms around me. Like he wanted to hug away my pain. I couldn't help squeeze him back.

"He calls you every day, sometimes twice a day."

"And I stare at his face wondering what lie to tell him. He watches me with slowly fading hope. It's tragic Garrus and I so don't do tragic."

Garrus harrumphed into my hair before pulling away far enough to look down into my face. "You really should talk to Liara. She's so much better at this emotional crap."

Unable to contain my laughter, I looked up to meet his eyes and grinned. "Thanks Garrus, I needed that."

"Great." Returning my buccaneer grin, he winked before setting me back down on my feet, still supporting some of my weight. "Now how about you try and show me a curtsey."

I lifted my leg to kick him and ended up face planting into his stomach.

With a heaving sigh, he wrapped his hands around my waist and slid me back in between the bars so I could do some strength training. "Leg still contracting when you're telling it to extend?"

"Laugh it up Garrus."

"Let's try punching then."

I looked up startled. "You're going to go straight to sparring? Miranda is going to have a cow." I grinned as I fit my torso into the harness so I could work my upper body. "Can I watch?"

Garrus pulled on the training gloves. "I doubt you'd have the energy for much after I'm done with you."

"Oh, that sounded like a challenge."

Garrus stood before me, his eyes flirting with their usual mirth. "That metaphor went somewhere else, didn't it?"

He made me want to get better.

 ** _To be continued…_**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

My apartment.

I stood there with my mouth agape.

There was no way in hell it had survived, but here it was in all its glory, every corner whispering of a memory. Every corner screaming with mirth and happiness and excitement. The calm before a storm. If I squinted I could see us all gathered around the couch posing for a picture. See Jack dancing on the pool table while Vega tried his damnedest not to come in his pants. I could hear Javik arguing with Liara somewhere in the background before it faded into Tali's hooting as Garrus threatened to remove his armor.

My eyes drifted up the stairs and I winced. How the hell was I ever going to sleep in that bed again without thinking of what Kaiden and I did up there?

"Shepard?"

Looking over my shoulder at Liara and Miranda I frowned in my usual rebellious way. "I didn't think the Citadel still functioned, much less hope this place was still standing. How long was I dead this time?"

"Fatalistic to the end." Snickering, Liara hitched my duffle bag higher and wrapped one arm around my waist companionably and also to help me hobble into the apartment. "The Citadel wasn't completely destroyed or we never would have found you. This place took some time to get to, but fortunately it had suffered only minimal damage. We were lucky the Silversun Strip survived."

Miranda activated glyph as he flew around the room before the lights came on and the blinds over the huge windows began to lift.

"Com…mm…mander…Sh…Shep..pppard. Wel…come."

"What's wrong with him?" I poked a finger through Glyph as he flickered on and off before finally settling into a steady hum.

"Rusty, I'm guessing," Miranda dropped her things by the couch and propped her hands on her waist. "Well, do you like it? We couldn't get everything back the way it was, but we tried to come close."

I could feel the heat as it suffused over my face while0 Liara finally helped me down into the couch and I collapsed there in relief. It was monumental how I had managed to walk from the transport to my couch and I was very proud of myself. Almost wished Garrus had been here to see it. "Come on guys, are you trying to put me on my knees so I can be more grateful. Have a heart; I'd never be able to get back up."

Liara laughed and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink as she called back. "Relax Shepard, enjoy the pampering."

Sighing, I leaned back into the couch as Miranda began to set the security system. "I still think it's unnecessary for either of you to babysit me. Don't you two have lives?"

"No!" Both women shot back characteristically and I shook my head.

"Come on Liara, I know for a fact that Faron barely has a handle on all that data coming into Cronos through your network. You cannot stay here."

Handing me a glass of orange juice, the Asari glared at me. "I have conceded under great duress to leave you here under Miranda's care alone for the next four weeks. I will have you know, I do not intend to change my mind. So you can stop trying to keep me away. Even if I am at my new base, all I'll do is keep tabs on you anyway."

"Hire a damned nurse Liara! You guys can't watch me forever!"

"Are you forgetting who I am?"

Rolling my eyes, I turned to the brunette for some help. "Come on Miranda, please tell her."

The ex-Cerberus scientist shrugged as she took the third glass from Liara and slipped into the couch on the other side, one arm flung along the back and legs crossed at the knees casually. "I don't have a life to get back to I'm afraid. I could watch you forever."

If looks could kill, perfect little Miranda would be a pile of dust as I grumbled about pushy, controlling women. I was at least glad the girls had helped me convince Garrus to make a trip home now that the mass relay was up over Trebia System. "This is pointless!" I threw up my hands. "I am sick of you two constantly watching me! It's been three months!"

Neither of them reacted to my barb as Liara turned on the holo-screen to scan the news. "Give it up Shepard. You'll have to put up with us until you are able to stand in the shower without collapsing into a funny little human puddle."

I looked around for something to throw at her but she merely turned her head and winked at me. "I quite enjoy it."

Miranda muffled a giggle and patted my knee. "Come on, lets help you to bed Princess Sarah, so I can get some down time in that amazing Jacuzzi of yours."

"Oooh, mind if I join you Miranda?"

"Not at all."

I stared at the two of them in horror. "Oh my god, this is a slumber party, isn't it?" They merely dragged me towards the bedroom as I struggled. "GARRUSSSSS!"

XXXXX

"Plie! Plie, Shepard; that's a frog."

"Plie, my ass! I'm going to plie you into that wall Lawson." Grunting and straightening from where I had barely managed the half-squat, I hobbled towards Miranda in an effort to strangle her, but the beep from the communication console ceased our joking. Of course, I had been quite serious, but it was funny because I could barely make it across the room.

Miranda was still chuckling when she received the call. "Yes, what is it Liara, she hasn't killed me yet."

"Miranda?"

My head snapped up from where I was bending down to pick up my towel. The woman across the room had gone still. It took her a moment to call forth the caustic smile. "Commander Aleko. What a pleasant surprise."

There was shuffling on the other end before he cleared his throat. "I was sent to…I can't tell you where I was sent to…but communications were disrupted."

"For three weeks?" Miranda demanded, arms crossed.

My eyes widened as I tried to rush to her, which was taking a while, and she watched me like a hawk as I tried to gesture a 'shut up' without speaking. I could understand why she was pissed at him. When he'd planned to rendezvous with our ship to see me three weeks ago she was excited to show off my progress. She waited the whole day for him to tell her he needed docking permissions. She was quite disappointed.

"I have half a mind to hang up on your bloody arse Aleko for the way you made her wait!"

Shit. I face planted into my palm and groaned. Way to take away my thunder. By the time I could shove her away and fall into my desk chair, Kaiden was looking painted. "Hey!" I grinned widely at him. "Don't listen to her; she's just not taking this maternal separation very well. Liara is taking over tomorrow."

"Maternal separation my arse. Bloody capricious, half-wit…" Thankfully Miranda walked out of my study grumbling under her breath and I hoped Kaiden didn't catch any of that.

Still smiling overly brightly and unable to drop the charade for some idiotic reason, I went on. "How was your mission? I assume it was Spector business."

"Yeah," Kaiden's handsome face was withdrawn and tired. He must have called me as soon as he could. I tried to be heartened by that. It wasn't really working. "Sorry, I couldn't really tell you about it."

My forced elation died in a fizzle. Frowning at his need to explain even when I hadn't asked, I slumped into the chair. "I get it. I used to be one, remember?"

"I didn't mean it that way Shepard."

"Sarah," I barked and he jumped, making me feel bad for letting him see how much it affected me.

Cautiously, he tried out my name again. He'd almost stopped using it now. "Sarah. I am sorry. I called you as soon as I found a secure channel." He looked like he was telling the truth. His was in armor and it had seen better days. For a moment a part of me keened at the prospect that while he was out there in the field there was the possibility that I would never get to see his handsome face smiling shyly at me. Even after all this time. Again, it only made me realize just how much of me I had lost. "How've you been?"

"Better," I provided evasively.

He nodded. "Any change in your range yet?"

He was only curious. Hopeful. It shouldn't have prickled at me the way it did. Gritting my teeth, I hoped to offer a non-committal answer, but what came out was jilted girlfriend. "If you had been there when you said you would, you'd have seen it."

A dark shadow seemed to cross his face. "Will you let it go Shepard? You know I have a responsibility."

A muscle worked in my jaw. "Yes and I'm clearly not it."

"Why are you doing this? You know I wanted this to be different."

"Yes, you wanted me without liabilities."

"Dammit Shepard, you're being stubborn!"

"SARAH!" I snapped, my fists tightening onto the arm rests of my chair. "And before you launch into another tirade on how its Spector business and you have to save the galaxy and all that; let me remind you. _I_ already did that!"

He stared at me for a moment before looking away. "I was coming to the Citadel to look in on you, but I don't think that's a good idea at the moment. I don't want us to say something we'd both regret."

A part of me wanted to agree. But I was also the Butcher of Torfan. My finger was in the air and then on the disconnect button before my female brain could stop me. The last thing I saw was a brief moment of shock and then the holo was gone.

"I'd clap, but I don't think you'd appreciate the sentiment."

"You want sentiment?" Looking up at Miranda leaning against the doorway, I heaved myself out of the chair. "There are training gloves in my duffle; I think you need to get them. I'm past the plie if you don't mind."

If she wanted to argue, I was grateful she didn't. She just brought Garrus' gloves and we trained.

 **To be continued…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

My world was shaking.

No, it's not my night terrors anymore. Lately, I've managed to get a full night's sleep. They still come now and then. Liara has been asking about them and I had reassured her that I was better. But nothing had prepared me for opening the door for her and finding my masked friend there. Tali had wrapped her arms around me a few minutes ago and the bouncing still hadn't stopped.

Garrus was muffling his laughter into his shoulder quite unsuccessfully as I glared over her shoulder. Eventually it was Miranda who extricated me from the Quarian's embrace and moved us into the living room. When Garrus offered me a half-way hug, I leaned up into his ear to whisper. "Thank god for you."

His only answer was dancing mirth in his blue eyes and a squeeze of his arm around my waist before Tali swept over us all.

I loved this woman. She had innocence about her that I had hoped little Sarah had before she became The Butcher. I basked in the laughter and teasing and giggles as she flirted with Garrus and reminisced with Miranda. Apparently, Liara had gotten caught in one of her Shadow Broker deals and she'd gotten in touch with Garrus to relieve Miranda instead. Tali had heard and decided to tag along for the two weeks Liara needed to return. I was more than happy to have my Turian friend there. It would relieve me of the constant need to bond. Maybe a little target practice could help bring the old me back to life.

Miranda left Tali and Garrus a list of exercises and instructions for my therapy and kept repeating them until I had to finally push her towards the exit and hug her into silence. She stood there in the doorway, frozen with shock as I pulled away a moment later to smirk at her. "Don't worry Mom; I won't have any parties while you're away."

Caught between being touched and paranoid, she gave my hand one last squeeze before leaving to visit with her sister and get some well-deserved time off.

When the door closed, I blew out a breath before turning around. Garrus was sprawled in the chair, arms on the sides, one clawed ankle propped on his knee as he watched me nonchalantly. It was a second, but I pictured myself crawling up into his lap just to see him rattled, but then Tali giggled and it was gone.

I grinned at the two of them as they watched me knowingly. "Anyone have the number of that awesome supplier in the Casino?"

XXXXX

It took nearly all the booze I'd ordered and twice as much in bribe to keep our party from reaching Liara and Miranda's ears. I knew they'd discover us eventually, but I hoped to be good and drunk by then. Our neighbors brought the hors d'oeuvres and more people than we'd anticipated. Jack and picked the music and Joker and Chakwas were at the bar. It was nothing like the party we had before. Where a part of me was buzzing with excitement another part of me was wailing at the intrusion. Nothing could be the way it had been because everyone had changed. Joker, although chuckling, still had trouble blinking away unshed tears. Karin Chakwas informed me that he was moving on with his life, if slowly.

"A drink Commander?"

Hopping up on a barstool, I grinned at Joker without guilt. Or so I hoped. Because looking at him alone sparked every kind of guilt in my veins. "No arm wrestling this time?"

"I have an unfair advantage; I'll let you off," he winked and poured me a brandy.

I raised a toast to Chakwas. "How's the hospital coming Karin?"

"Oh, you know, I do hate being grounded."

"Gee, thanks mom," Joker slumped. "I feel all kinds of guilty now for keeping you around."

"Oh shhhh!" Karin batted a hand against Joker's arm. "You are hardly the only reason I stay on earth. Have you seen the lovely marines they've been bringing into my ward?"

Joker and I shared a look of horror as Karin dissolved into inebriated giggles. "I think I'm going to barf," I groaned and drank more.

Joker chuckled and leaned an elbow on the bar top in front of me. "Is that sour grapes I smell? Oh wait, I'm the barkeep."

Rolling my eyes at his lame joke, I took another swig of my brandy. "Just make her stop, okay?"

"Wow Commander, you're even broodier than when you had to wear that dress."

Memories of leather and zips invaded my mind and I groaned before drowning the rest of my drink. It was a cheap shot. He would pay. "That dress landed me a very fine night with some chocolate covered goodness."

Predictably, Joker's eyes widened as craned his head closer to me. "Who!?"

I grinned wolfishly at him. "Karen, what's the rule about kissing?"

"Not telling," the doctor smiled serenely as she poured me another brandy.

"Karin!" Jeff caught his friend around her shoulders, eyes still scandalously wide. "You knew!? You have to tell me, now."

"I'm sorry Jeff. Doctor patient confidentiality rules also apply."

"Come on!"

Snickering at the debate that would now occupy them for a while and feeling devious and more myself, I picked up my drink and walked around the game area where Jack was once again on the pool table. With my red hair grown out, my body plushier than usual it was welcoming to see not everyone could recognize Commander Shepard. In my anonymity, I accepted Jack's invitation to join her and let one of the men help me up onto the pool table.

It was then that I saw them from above the heads of everyone. In the pulsing beat and steady sway of the bodies, they sat at the old piano, shoulder to shoulder playing music only they could hear. I still don't know what prompted it, but I felt the ground sway beneath my feet. I stumbled and Jack's arms came around me in a flash, her mouth against my ear from behind. "Shepard? You okay?"

I let her sway me to the music, my eyes trained on the Turian and Quarian leaning close to speak over the din of the party. "Just needed a hand."

"Well, let me offer one to you, babe." She whistled and one of the men crowding around the pool table suddenly replaced her behind me and the swaying completely changed.

Amid catcalls and whistles I lost myself for a bit. The beat had me and it was gratifying to feel a man's hands on me. But then, I met the blue eyes across the hall and my ground shook again. "Fuck." My glass crashed into the floor and the music began to fade. There was a sharp cry somewhere on my left and then I was falling.

There was no mistaking it. The strong, hard arms that caught me only belonged to one guy and he was Turian. "Now you've done it. Miranda is going to kill me."

"You're my favorite Turian." Nuzzling into his embrace I let him carry me as Jack began to call it a night behind us. "She wouldn't dare."

His neck and carapace rumbled with laughter as Garrus carried me into my room. I heard Tali directing the bemoaning partiers out as the door slid shut. Suddenly exhausted beyond belief and smashed enough not to care, I wrapped my arms around his neck before he could deposit me on the bed and kissed it.

Garrus nearly lost his footing. "Shepard!?"

"Thank you for coming for me."

Carefully, he leaned down and slid me under the covers before touching my forehead. My eyes closed and slumber pulled at me, but I heard him sigh and whisper. "Always."

 **To Be Continued…**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

When I turned around my world tipped off its axis. I knew every inch of these woods. With fear licking at my heels, I began to run. No. This wasn't possible. I couldn't be here again. There was nothing left to haunt me. The creature was gone. The child was gone. There was nothing left to save. I had to stop!

But the sound of laughter made me freeze. Jerking around on unsteady limbs I scanned the black forest. The sound came again and I whipped around to see a shadow dart around a trunk in the distance. No. How was he here? It was supposed to be over! Every night that I came back, he was gone! There should be nothing there!

Sprinting now on legs that were no longer my own, I dodged the trees in my way, my boots crunching on burnt leaves as I rounded on the disappearing child. And then the red light blinded me as the groan and gnawing of the machine tore through the stillness of the night. But where the boy should have been, there was only me.

The light began to burn and I screamed.

"Shepard!"

As instantly as I had been caught, I was back, eyes wide and staring up the faces of my friends. _No_ , I lamented inwardly. This is the last thing I wanted. I did not need them to see me like this. No one was supposed to find me until I was done burning. Eyes clouding with tears, I turned in the sheet, pulling away from where Karin was trying to hold me down.

"Doctor, could you give me some room?"

Garrus' soothing voice only managed to feed the tears that began to leak out of the corners of my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to keep them in.

"What's wrong with her?" Tali tried to touch my arm but I only burrowed deeper into my sheet, curling up into a ball.

"Jack?"

"Okay peeps, nothin' to see. Let's go."

"Hey! Stop poking!" Jeff exclaimed as I pictured Jack slowly maneuvering everyone out of the room. I felt Tali linger in the doorway, but eventually the door slid shut with a soft hiss.

When his hands slid over my shoulder, I turned and buried myself against him. It felt right for him to gather me against him, to let me climb all over him until I could feel every inch of him against me. So he could warm me from the inside and chase away the chill of the black forest. It was easier with him. I was gratified when the tears didn't turn into anything worse and my eyes slowly dried. Garrus only held me, half sitting – half lying on my bed, his big body nearly taking all of its length. "Garrus…"

"It's ok. Liara told us to expect it."

I shuddered and grit my teeth. Damn that Asari. Was there anything she did not know about?

"Want to talk about it?"

"I thought you didn't want to do this emotional crap?" It was an out. He could take it. He could give it to me.

"I'm here if you need me."

The promise nearly had me in tears again. I won't deny that I knew it in every fiber of my being that there was supposed to me another man in my bed. He was supposed to be the one here. It was his arms that were supposed to offer me the comfort of confessing my nightmares. It was supposed to be his warm breath in my hair that was meant to sooth me. But in all my years and all that I'd learned, I knew that what we imagined was not always what we needed.

"It's the same each time," I began tremulously and perhaps I imagined it, but I felt him tremble beneath me when he realized I was finally telling him. "The forest is black. Burnt. There was a child in London I had tried to save and failed. It's his face each time I see in the distance. And no matter how hard I run, or how far, the red light burns him before I can get to him."

Garrus listened and waited until I had finished, his hand stroked around my head, talons moving through the red strands of my hair almost experimentally. He took a moment to speak. "They are gone Shepard."

"I know. I had to save the kid. I did. I get it."

"Good."

I shook my head into his carapace. "Now, when I get to the tree, it isn't him I see. It isn't him that needs saving."

The Turian stilled beneath me. I wondered what he expected as he asked cautiously. "Who is it?"

Lifting my eyes up to meet his guarded expression, I forced the word past my lips forcefully. "Me."

Muttering a breathless curse, the Turian closed his eyes and let out a shuttered breath, his forehead touching mine as he gathered me closer. "Breathe Shepard," he whispered achingly. "Nothing will touch you while I'm here."

I stared up at him in a mix of horror and wonder realizing just what he had done; what that gesture meant and it shook me to my very core. As the heat washed over me in a curtain, it robbed me of my fear and anything else there might have been in the wake of my nightmare. Eyes sliding shut, I relaxed against the reassuring press of his forehead and let him chase away the night.

XXXX

Breakfast was almost silent. Jeff shot off a few jokes true to his moniker and it lightened the atmosphere a little, but the memory of how they found me was visible in the worry etched into their eyes, their bodies, their voices. This is why I kept them to myself. This is why I didn't need to speak of my nightmares to them. I didn't want to share the horror. Commander Shepard was broken.

Now they glanced at me every few minutes, seeing new cracks that had been hidden behind the hero. The Savior. The invincible, immortal commander.

I know they love me and respect me, but they had never really gotten a chance to see the fleshy human behind the armor. Miranda had already called and cut into Garrus with such precision that if our encounter last night hadn't shaken him – now, he was muted. She'd called him all kinds of irresponsible and declared him too incompetent to handle a single human. She would have taken the next transport back, had Garrus not taken the call on his own comlink and walked out of the door to speak with her. When he returned, he said he was staying and everything was sorted. I knew better than to ask.

Everyone began to filter out slowly. Joker and Karen left with lots of forced hugs and extra bottles of brandy. Jack met my eyes with such clarity that I nearly confessed everything to her. In the end she nodded, fist-bumped me and declared she'd return the next day. When Tali said she was leaving too, I was taken aback.

"Why?" I demanded before I could stop myself. "Did I scare you off?"

The Quarian had her arms around me before I could stop her. What was with everyone lately? The hugging was getting contagious. I mean sure, I was grateful for all their help, but this constant need to hold me together was insane. It was driving me crazy and making me feel a lot more fragile than I needed right now. I stiffened in her arms and she must have felt it because she drew away, her hands on my shoulders. "Garrus?"

"Yeah?" He looked up from where he was gathering the breakfast dishes.

"Could you go get my suitcase from the guestroom, please?"

He frowned at her a second before dropping the dirty dishes and disappearing up the stairs.

When the Quarian began to lead me to the living room so I could sit, I knew something was wrong. She sat beside me and took my hand in hers. "Shepard. I think it is time I tell you something very important."

The foreboding was so thick; I could have cut it with a knife if I tried. Hell, if I had a knife, I wouldn't be living this drama. The war, pillaging and fighting was so much easier than this. But fortifying myself with a deep breath, I met her glowing eyes through the purple helmet. "Do I get a last wish?"

She smiled. "Afraid not. You only get this." She scooted closer and my heart sank.

"Tali, you're scaring me."

"Shut up and listen you boshtet," she huffed before dropping her voice to an audible whisper. "Tell him how you feel."

My mouth dropped open the moment I realized what she meant and yes – it was after a few moments of staring at her as if she was nuts. It was even more nuts, when I realized what she meant. Where the hell did they leave tact and privacy when I recruited these people? What the hell was up with them all up in my business?! I wasn't idiotic enough to even pretend to deny that I knew what she was talking about. "Are you crazy?" I hissed back. "I don't know what the fuck I'm feeling! What the hell am I supposed to tell him?" Then I yanked my hand out of hers and pointed an accusing finger at her. "I thought YOU were supposed to be the one."

She blinked. "You thought I was your 'the one' the one?"

My face contorted with aghast confusion. "What?! NO!" I whispered furiously. "What the hell are you talking about? What am I talking about? Why are we even having this conversation!"

Looking up at Garrus descending the stairs, she shook her head in a way she thought was furtively. It wasn't. The poor Turian paused on the step, one leg in midair, confused as Tali dragged me back to the couch when I tried to escape. "Sit down Shepard, you need to hear this."

"No, I don't," I grunted and turned my head to plead with him. "Garrus! Save me!"

"Oh for god's sake," Tali grabbed my chin and forced me to meet her glaring gaze. "I missed my chance!" She whispered furiously. "If you keep doing this stupid stoic dance, you will lose him too!"

I stared at her in horror. "Oh my god."

"Don't be an idiot; remember how things were when we were looking for the collectors? You never left the Normandy without him. Not once! Everyone knew it was inevitable until you went to prison and that boshtet found you. Please Sarah," she pleaded softly. "Tell him before it is too late and Kaiden comes to his senses again." Reaching forward, she hugged me one last time before springing up from the couch and nodding for Garrus to bring her luggage. While I sat on the couch in stunned silence, I heard her whisper a goodbye to the Turian and murmur something under her breath. Garrus only grumbled back and locked the door when she left.

"Shepard?"

I swallowed hard, my skin ashen, as I realized the gravity of the truth Tali had forced on me. I had never missed Liara as much as I missed her right now. She would talk sense. She would make sense. Of me, of where I was headed. Of the changes happening inside me. She would know.

"Shepard?"

When his voice came from behind me, I rose out of the couch and stumbled.

"Damn!" His arms were around me in a second and my breath began to stall in my chest. "What the hell did she say to you?"

"Air," I gasped holding onto him for dear life and wishing I could run away. "I need air!"

He gathered me into his arms and headed straight for the door.

 **To be continued…**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Sorry it took me so long to post this guys, but the end just didn't seem to write itself. Hopefully Garrus will make things easier for me ;) The story is still rated T, so if there's a stronger union between these two, I'll post it separately. Thanks for all the follows!

 **Chapter 7**

I had no idea my building even had a roof. The moments it had taken Garrus to call the elevator and bring me into the open skies of the Citadel, felt like hours. Now as I stood leaning against a ventilation shaft taking in the destruction I had survived, I was humbled. Where once the lights of the Citadel had glittered like countless stars overhead, there were only pockets of flickering life. Mostly the sky was black. Without the artificial environmental systems operational, the air around me felt old. It was no longer morning or night.

I had survived this.

Intrinsically, I felt the presence of a higher being, but a part of me still recoiled after seeing the higher beings that had tried to rain extinction down on us – merely because we were still too young to know better. My mind was still too fragile to consider a concept such as God, so I just chose to let my mind drift to the only matter at hand. It wasn't a safer choice, but the lesser of two evils.

He stood behind me somewhere, letting me get my wind back. I had gasped for air, until the girth of the world that had turned to dust, took all other concerns for me. There must have been countless people out there who had lost more than limbs and loved ones. There must be half and almost half people all over the universe with no Miranda, Liara or Garrus.

And in that moment…I realized just how lucky I was.

How screwed up was that? You had to see someone in worse shit than yourself to be any remnant of grateful. Sapient life made no sense. I realized then that a part of me had completely understood the Catalyst and their logical solution to the sapient problem. Any non-sapient life forms we created would obviously be just as flawed as its creator. But didn't that mean the creator was also flawed? My thoughts chased themselves into an endless cycle until I shook my head and took a deep breath. Enough about the chicken and the egg.

Breath drew the smell of soot, burning fuel and metal into my lungs. Familiar. I looked over at the Turian standing watch a few feet away, arms crossed, eyes trained on me vigilantly. I remembered a shooting contest. "Think it's still there? Your favorite spot on the Citadel?"

He only shook his head.

I was sad for him and he must have seen it because he closed the distance between us and came to lean beside me, his hands on the vent behind us, nearly touching one of mine. "My favorite spot on the Citadel is where I out snipe you Commander. It isn't really a place, you see."

The corner of my mouth twitched and I quirked an eyebrow at him, suddenly feeling at peace with the world. More myself that I had felt in eons. "You think you're so hot."

"It's the scars."

Eyes inadvertently drawn to the glistening peek of silver from his mandible, I remembered how my world had almost tipped off its axis that day. I could still see him lying in a pool of blue blood as he struggled for breath. Even after knowing he was right there in front of me now, I couldn't keep my heart from hitching inside my chest.

What the hell had I been thinking? When did he become so important to me? Had I been so focused on the mission that I hadn't bothered to acknowledge the change? Was normalcy so important and safe in a world gone mad, that I had never even thought to examine my own feelings? The orphan girl never really grew up at all, did she? Hiding behind the renegade had been so damned easy. Hiding behind Kaiden had been so much safer – safer than falling in love with your best friend and losing him. I realized now, that I could never have been able to move past it.

 _Oh what fools these mortals be_ , Ashley whispered in my mind somewhere and I shut my eyes against the pain of the obvious.

"You're thinking too hard, I can almost hear the wheels turning."

"I'm moving past decades' worth of cowardice, gimmie a minute."

Garrus' gaze snapped to me alarm. "Shepard?"

"Sarah." Opening my eyes, I met his gaze purposefully. "My name is Sarah." He only watched me silently so I explained. I wasn't sure who needed the explanation more, but I gave it anyway. "Shepard came out of Mindoir and became the Butcher of Trofan. I sent my men to their deaths and killed every Batarian in sight during the Skillian Blitz. But at the Arcturus station when I had the choice to let those Batarians die, I couldn't fathom it. I should have realized it then that something had come undone."

"You did what you could, Sarah. Your warning saved many."

My mouth curved at his use of the name, the odd lilts of his vocal chords as they formed the name. It did sounds nice, so right. "Yes. It did. The faces of the Batarian slavers that killed my family didn't change my mind about trying to save as many as I could then, or as few. I didn't notice the exact moment that I moved past the horror of my childhood." The mad little laugh had me before I could smother it and I looked out to the ruins of council space. "If I had been Shepard, the choices the Catalyst gave me, would have been different."

"What are you saying?"

So I told him. Destroy. Control. Synthesize. Garrus stared at me with growing apprehension when I told him I had chosen to kill the reapers and destroy all synthetic life. I told him that I didn't have the courage to alter the DNA of every single being in the universe. That I chose sapient life over everything else. "I chose destroy because I didn't think I could handle the power of control; if I was altruistic enough to look at the big picture. I couldn't agree to synthesize because I was afraid that would still leave the logic of the reapers fragmented into every being in the universe. I knew the first option could mean my end, but I didn't let their logic effect my decision; even if a part of me agreed with it."

His hand enveloped mine, his eyes gazing out to the dark presidium. "I can't even imagine being in your shoes."

"Maybe you could have done better."

He squeezed my hand. "I don't think it could be better Sarah. It was an impossible choice. People would die either way. But this way, we can at least rebuild without the threat of eminent destruction staring down at us every 50,000 years."

"I don't know about that Garrus. The geth helped bring this future and now they're gone. EDI is…"

"Stop." His hands caught my face and he was in front of me before I could continue. "Just stop," he whispered pleadingly before his forehead touched mine and I lost my breath. "You're done."

For the first time, the words didn't instill loss and horror in my veins. They brought peace. As did the gesture he'd been offering since I can't remember when. "I'm onto you Vakarian."

I saw the smile spread across his plates, mandibles twitching at my tone. "Is that so Commander?"

"So much easier to keep up with me now that I'm grounded, right?"

He threw his head back and laughed, and when his eyes came back to me they were a warm blue that I didn't even know a blue could be. "Don't flatter yourself Sarah. I watched your six when you didn't even know I was there."

"Is that what you're doing now, hot shot? Watching my six?" I entwined my arms around his waist, realizing just how easy it was to be here. With him. Around him. More. "Because I could have sworn there was an ulterior motive there somewhere."

"Oh there was." His hands spanned my back, drawing me closer, his eyes half-lidded as my heart skidded off its kilter with his sultry purr. "Someone had to watch your ass."

"That fine, is it?" I baited him, my grin nearly feral. He would crack. They all did. "Been watching it good and hard?"

"You know I like to savor that last shot before popping the heatsink."

We both stilled. My eyes caught in amusement as I tried my damnedest not to burst out laughing.

Garrus finally caught on to what his mouth had run away with and groaned, one hand touching his forehead with near palpable pain. "That metaphor went somewhere horrible, didn't it?"

I nodded once and snuggled deeper into his arms. "Why didn't you go back to Palaven?"

Running a hand through my hair, his eyes followed the lines of my face, as if memorizing. "I made sure my family was safe. I went to see my mother; even made peace with my father. But like you have been Shepard, I have been Vakarian for far too long. Your story is over. So is mine. But we are just getting started." His mandibles parted in a toothy grin. "And I was counting on you finally coming to your senses."

"Cocky bastard." I couldn't help the snicker. "And if I hadn't?"

"Maybe catching another rocket with my teeth could have tipped the scales." When my eyes widened, he chuckled and nuzzles my nose. "Oh the scents you gave off sitting by my side while I slept, I couldn't walk straight for weeks! Why do you think I lived in my armor?"

"Scents?! What scents?!" My mouth dropped open as I stared at him in shock. "Are you saying, you knew I wanted you then?"

"Sniper, remember? We can spot our prey miles away."

"Shut up!" Smacking his arm, I glared as he laughed. "I'm serious! Why the hell didn't you say anything?"

"I heard your heartbeat." He purred against my ear and I won't deny that I trembled. "I felt your breath hitch. I felt the heat in your skin and watched your body react to mine. But you didn't. I had to wait."

"You let me parade around that ship lying to myself for months! You could have said something."

"Would you have believed me, if I had?"

I thought on it for a second before wincing. "I don't know. There was a lot on my mind."

"Exactly."

I frowned at him. "But you let me go to Kaiden."

"And it killed me!" This time he winced, his mandibles fluttering anxiously. "During the war, you were clinging to familiar. It was so damned obvious and to be honest when the reapers hit Palaven, I had all but given up on the idea of you, but then there you were. Marching out of the fire and brimstone like a Valkyrie. A Turian can take only so much karma."

Flattered by his frank association, I let out an embarrassed, little laugh. "Clever of you, taking the best-friend route."

"It happens to be the most guaranteed. If you had been Turian, you wouldn't have needed to figure this out. You'd have just known. Like me."

I looked up into his eyes. "Known what?"

"That I love you."

"Garrus," I whispered leaning closer to him, my blood singing wild abandon in my veins.

"What?"

"If I kiss you forever would that be a horrible interspecies awkwardness thing?"

"Sarah?" His arms tightened around me, smirking against my breath. "Enough with this emotional crap, let's get naked."

With a growl of agreement, I was on him. He only had to tilt his hand and my mouth opened for him. Like clockwork pieces sliding into place, we fit each other in alien and exotic ways I had never had the imagination for. I've been a soldier all my life, but the way Garrus kissed me was nothing short of intensely romantic; if that's a term. I shouldn't have expected differently from a man who could weave around words the way he did. I had never had romance. There was always something that needed to be killed or wanted to kill me. There had been no leisure and luxury where Kaiden was concerned. War never allowed it.

But Garrus. Damn. His mouth wasn't meant to be kissed the way I was suckling on it, only, that didn't deter him. Like a match lit, he came alive. His swift, blunt talons dug into my back and I had no room to move but into him. With a moan of agreement, he followed the push and pull of my mouth and eventually gave into the need to taste me deeper and the kiss caught fire.

I could only manage a grunt of discomfort as I was lifted by my ass and deftly pressed against his hips, legs happily wrapping around his torso as my feet hooked into the spurs on the back of his legs. "Don't stop, I'm walking us back," he warned.

Only allowed to whimper as the friction set my nerves alight, I hung on for dear life as he continued to, kiss and touch me all the way back to the apartment. The sheer strength and stamina of this creature had me keening. Damn, but I knew there was a reason I wanted this Turian.

Mouth otherwise occupied somewhere between his jaw and carapace, I had my one hand up weaving through his fringe and the other trying to find the clasp on his civvies. When my fingers pressed into the suede soft flesh where his fringe crested, he gasped. Slammed hard against the side of the elevator, I was dislodged from around his hips.

Instantly Garrus' eyes widened with alarm and concern as his hands slid up my arms. "Damn! Sarah, did I hurt you?"

But I didn't give him time to let his hormones catch up on his guilt as my teeth caught the hard flesh on his neck – and bit.

The Turian's head tipped down and his jaw opened wide against my shoulder on a predatory snarl that raised every hair on my skin. The very fiber of my being was shaken until I released him with happy moan and soothed it with a kiss. "That's my boy."

"You'll pay for that human," the Turian whispered harshly against my ear and it was a good thing he was holding me up or else my human self would have been a shivering little puddle on the elevator floor.

"Promises, promiMUPH!" Garrus was apparently done talking because his mouth connected with mine hard enough to toss stars before my eyes and then it was too late to be cocky. His hand had tangled itself into my hair, his free hand sliding up against my back – inside my shirt. Maybe a part of me is still set on renegade because his claws on my skin sent any remnants of sanity cowering away into the dark corners of my lust-addled mind.

I was lost. Lost to the sudden urgency in his touch, the way it spoke of how long he'd wanted me. Of how he couldn't wait any longer and especially of how much bigger and meaner he could be if he didn't love me the way he did. Because the absolute restraint I could feel vibrating from every armor-plated muscle was only checked by the reverence in his caresses.

It was so much easier with him. He would touch, I would respond. He would nibble and I would arch and we had barely set a rhythm when the elevator was outside my apartment. He'd been rumbling deep in his chest and when I finally allowed him to suck in a breath through his mouth, he hissed at the loss of contact, setting fire to every never ending I possessed. Damn this creature was sexy! "Garrus?"

"We're here, I know. Gimmie a minute," he grumbled huskily, extricating his hands from me with difficulty and pressed them to the wall behind me.

When the door began to slide shut, he reached out and caught the edge with one clawed hand. "Damn human." He lifted his head from my shoulder to gaze down at me with hooded eyes and a hunger that I delighted in. "Who taught you how to bite a Turian?"

I grinned wolfishly at my ability to reduce this apex predator to a shaky mess. "I adapt as I go along." Ducking out before he could attack me again and lose what little feeling I had left in my legs, I slipped out of the elevator and walked to my door. "There's more where that came from big guy."

Plates still vibrating with barely contained tension, he prowled after me as I slid my hand onto the biometric reader, stepped into the apartment – and froze.

"Fuck me sideways." I stumbled with shock and apprehension and Garrus caught me from behind, his hands easily hitching around my waist.

"Please Sarah," the Turian groaned into my hair. "Not in front of the kids."

"Shepard?" Kaiden rose from the couch.

 **To be Continued…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:** Sorry guys, I didn't meant to leave you at a cliffhanger last time, but Kaiden wouldn't leave me alone until good an resolved. Plus, I so enjoyed writing Garrus in this. Drop me a note if you did too.

 **Chapter 8**

Garrus sighed and picked me up in his arms when I began to waver. I blame him. I would have been perfectly capable of handling an intruding ex had my current self-declared and silently accepted boyfriend not been accosting me in the elevator.

"Now it's a horrible interspecies awkwardness thing," Garrus quipped.

"Garrus," Kaiden stepped closer, the furrow on his forehead darkening. "Is she okay?"

"Oh, I might have made her a little lightheaded."

Damn this Turian! This was the worst possible time to make me blush. And Sarah Shepard never blushed. While I groaned and tried to hide my face in my hands, Kaiden had stepped out of the way to allow Garrus to deposit me on the couch.

"You shouldn't work her so hard Garrus."

Kaiden's admonish nearly tore a screech from my mouth. The Turian smirked wickedly as he pulled away from where he'd carefully placed me on the cushions.

"Hard is the only way I know Alenko." The breath came out of me in a stream of coughing curses and Kaiden immediately sat beside me to rub my back and I glared daggers at the comedian who only winked before moving towards the kitchen. "Let me get some water."

"Shepard, are you alright?" The Spector slapped his hand on my back in an effort to dislodge the great big Turian-sized frog in my throat.

Eventually, he sat back as I accepted the glass from Garrus and drowned it in one go and took a deep rasping breath. "Garrus," I wheezed, "I'm going to kill you."

The Turian merely dropped into his favorite perch in the single sofa and propped up his ankle on his knee and smirked at the two of us. "This oughta be good. I should have brought popcorn."

Kaiden glowered. "Garrus can you give us a minute?"

"Well, to be honest, I don't think I can."

The Spector blinked at the Turian, nearly turned predator. Even I couldn't help stare at the alpha male attitude Garrus was supporting. Usually, I balk at anyone's need to treat me like a damsel in distress, but to be honest, I was curious to see where Garrus was headed. It was kind of exciting and lately my life has been seriously lacking in that department. I cleared my throat. "Um, Garrus?"

"Relax sweetheart," he purred as my mouth dropped open and Kaiden's eyebrows shot up. "I got this," Garrus leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, eyes trained on what would soon be my ex-boyfriend I realized. "You really need to learn how to last Alenko."

"What!?"

"It's a marathon, not a sprint. You gota have the endurance."

I muffled a snort of laughter and Kaiden shot me a glare. "What the hell have you been telling him?"

"You've reaaaaally been lacking in the drive department." My eyes widened as my best friend proceeded to tear Kaiden a shiny new hole. "It takes a man to drive this baby home."

"Oh my god," I wanted to melt into the couch and soak into the leather.

"You don't start a good rhythm then quit when you hit a bump."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Poor Kaiden really did look confused.

"The mako," Garrus feigned innocence as I burst out laughing. "What did you think I was talking about?"

It was then that Kaiden finally began to notice. The subtle change in Garrus and I. The way my eyes couldn't stop dancing with mirth. The way Garrus kept sliding me sidelong glances. The flush on my cheeks and the confidence on the Turian. It was clear we wore each other well. "Will someone tell me what's going on?"

"Kaiden," I said gently as I took his hand. "I'm about to screw Garrus for all he's worth upstairs in about ten minutes, because I love him and I didn't really know it until now."

The Spector stilled, until he registered what I meant. "Are you serious?"

"Quite," I nodded still containing my mirth. "And even though you and I shared some of this crazy war together, I shared most of it with him on my six. Garrus is right about endurance. He never left my side. Not even to be a Spector."

"Unless you were dead," Garrus pipped up. "But I pined for you."

"My hero." Shooting him a sugary glance I turned back to the man who had offered me solace in a time when I needed it. But I couldn't forget that he had also abandoned me when I had no one. "Kaiden, sometimes you think you want something, when in reality you need to let it go."

Kaiden was silent for a moment, his eyes far away. "I did love you."

"I'm sorry."

Shaking his head, he stood, eyes trained on the Turian. "Take care of her." For once without humor, Garrus nodded. I sat there as Kaiden moved to the door. "I wanted to choose you Shepard," he called from the doorway.

Looking over my shoulder, I half-smiled. "I'm kinda glad you didn't."

With a final nod at me, the door swished closed.

Garrus rose behind me and I felt his arms wrap around me from behind as he nibbled on my ear. "If I had you…"

"Yeah yeah, you'd choose me every time." I turned and dragged him down by the keel on his carapace. "I was promised naked turian."

We never really made it upstairs in ten minutes like I predicted and Miranda found us on the pool table.

Everyone paid Joker.

 **THE END**


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